New A-Slash Archive Entry


What About Love

by Corky

Title: What About Love?

Author: Cpt_Murdock (aka: Corky)

Prompt: Hidden Injury

Genre: angst

Summary: (Written for a challenge on the Live Journal Kink group)*Inspired by the song "What About Us" by John Barrowman* Murdock knows all too well that not all wounds can be seen. After years on the run, he's beginning to question his relationship with the love of his life--Face.


Darkness and silence surrounded him, uncomfortable and awkward when it'd never been before. The figure lying next to him shifted and grumbled in his sleep, rolling to his side and tugging the down comforter with him. Glancing over his shoulder, Murdock sighed heavily as the ache in his chest deepened. Too many nights had gone by with barely any kisses and next to no cuddling.

It never used to be like that. They used to spend the entire evening hours wrapped in each other's arms, gentle caresses passing between them while whispering in the dark, promising that they'd never leave the other; that no matter what they'd find a way to make things work. Face would always promise to break Murdock out of the VA to spend a few days together, romancing and enjoying each other's company.

That seemed like so long ago though.

The two had been a couple on-and-off for as long as they'd known each other. Neither really willing to admit that they were gay or even bi at first, just passing their nights of long embraces and late night talks off as part of the stresses that came with being in a warzone and needing someone to confide in--someone to help chase away the demons at night. Back in the States, Face refused to acknowledge his relationship with Murdock, barely making the time to sneak into the Psychiatric Hospital to visit him. It wasn't until the Captain started getting his "sanity" back a bit more that the conman was more willing to visit and even spend some time locked in an all too familiar lover's embrace.

They couldn't tell Hannibal or BA about their relationship, or whatever they had had, the men just wouldn't understand nor approve. So it remained hidden from the prying eyes of anyone who might judge them. They're own little secret. It was that secret that seemed to fuel their desire to be together; it seemed to be the one thing that kept the Lieutenant coming back for more. The thrill of no one knowing, the danger at possibly being caught and found out, it was just as powerful as the excitement during missions.

At night Murdock would slip into whatever room Face had had, silently locking the door behind him. Face would usually have a room to himself for just that reason and more often than not would be waiting and expecting the lanky pilot. Their nights were always filled with passion, heated kisses, nibbles across shoulders and necks while their bodies covered in sweat from the love making. It always felt as if their time together--their love for each other--would never end; that was the promise, after all.

It was after their service to Stockwell had ended and Face had moved in with Murdock that things began to take a pitfall. Always it was the Captain who struggled so hard to keep things happy though; would bring home surprises for his Lieutenant--a box of cigars even though just the smell still made his stomach churn, a nice bottle of wine, even a copy of the man's favorite book--but it was never enough. Arguments would break out, words being spouted that hurt both of them. Many times, just to be spiteful, Face would storm out of the apartment and walk to the corner bar--more often than not he'd stay out all night, finding a young, beautiful woman to take him home. Murdock would sit up on those nights, curled up on the couch, his knees pulled to his chest as he waited for the man to come home and worrying that it was the end.

Face would always return though, often times by late afternoon or early evening; never offering any explanation as to where he'd been (he didn't need to, Murdock always could tell), or any form of apology outside of a new comic book from time to time. Rarely would either of them bring up the topic of their fights, Face not wanting to dwell in the past and Murdock afraid that it would only spawn another outburst of hurtful words. They would pretend things were just fine, the fights and arguments had never happened.

Of all the things they discussed and fought over, their own crumbling relationship was never one of them. Possibly out of fear that if it was finally brought to the light they'd realize things had ended months before, or for fear the other would finally call it quits and leave. Neither man did particularly well on their own, both needing someone to share their lives and space with. If one were to leave, they'd be alone in the world, forced to try and find someone else who knew them as well as their partner did. So they continued the charade.

They were just running through the motions now. Silent and uncomfortable. Where there had once been playfulness and longing there was boredom and sadness. Their love making reduced to simple, basic human needs; often followed by one sleeping on the couch or moving to take a shower alone. The excitement that had once fueled their need to be together lost in normalcy and routine.

Many nights the pilot would find himself standing under the hot stream of the shower, forehead pressed to the tile wall, lost deep in his thoughts and concerns. How had things gotten so bad between them? The confusion and worry were wearing him out mentally and emotionally, and all from trying to figure out what they were in Face's mind. They weren't still the loving couple they'd once been, so what? Casual fuck-buddies?

Lying still in the darkness, listening as Face gently snored behind him, Murdock stared into the darkness wishing the pain in his heart would end. He knew it wouldn't though, not so long as things continued as they were. Still, he could hope and pray that things would get better and that their promises wouldn't have to be broken. Couldn't he?

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