Verse: Movie drabble
Summary: They say when you're facing death, your life flashes before your eyes. Is it possible to have a life you wished you'd had flash before your eyes, though?
They say that when you're about to die that your life will flash before your eyes. That's probably true but, what about when it's the life you wished you'd had? The family you never knew growing up, the Christmases and birthdays that never were. And then the worst of all, the life you wished and dreamed of one day having if only you could bring yourself to open up and confess your feelings to that certain someone.
I could see it so perfectly in my mind as I leapt from the pitching powerhouse onto that crane. The first time I'd tell him that I had more than friendly feelings for him. Those hazel greens shining and popping with teasing joy, the way the corners of his eyes crinkle when he smiles so brightly at my awkward confession. God what an awkward confession it'd be too! Taking him out for a "guy's night", just two buddies hanging out and having a good time, then taking him back to my place with me under the guise of just wanting to hang out a bit more and watch TV. Of course, I'd find something completely ridiculous for us to watch, something that I know he'd absolutely love but I would generally roll my eyes at (though inside be loving right along with him). We'd get comfortable on the couch, him all curled up like a cat the way he does, bowl of popcorn snuggled in against him, and of course, well...I'd have to sit close enough to him if I wanted at the popcorn, right? So I'd be stretched out on the other side of the bowl, legs kicked up on the coffee table, elbow resting on the pilot's shoulder so I can lazily dip down into the bowl for a few overly-buttery and overly-salty pieces to pop into my mouth. We're already comfortable enough with each other that we can do things like that, ya know? It's no big deal. When my hand comes up to lightly brush his neck, to let my fingers breeze over the nape of his neck as my arm moves to straighten out across the back of the couch, that's when our eyes would meet. His eyes shining brightly and slightly concerned, mine trying to be cool and nonchalant but totally failing horribly. There'd be that awkward silence, that moment of us both opening our mouths to say something, stopping, telling the other person to go, then giving that nervous laughter as we shake our heads and quickly look back to the TV. I've known for awhile that he has feelings for me, subtlety isn't exactly Murdock's forte', but he does a good job trying to hide it. I, on the other hand, do apparently all too well of a job hiding my intentions and desires behind all the women I pursue. That'd all change though when I finally get the courage to stumble out his name and have him look at me. When those eyes meet mine again, I'd feel my ability to speak fleeting again. Actions speak louder than words anyways, right? Besides...we were done with that popcorn so it's no concern when it's suddenly tumbling to the floor as I'd push him back into the arm of the couch and our first kiss be my admission to stronger feelings.
Hanging from that cable, I could see our first fight and make up. It'd be a stupid fight, over something incredibly ridiculous! Who knows what, probably all the candy pieces I'd find shoved into the couch, his excuse being the squirrels told him to do it, to stock up for winter that way. Could see us arguing in the living room, him looking more and more hurt the madder I get. The storming out just to keep from throttling the man. I'd come back of course, probably a few hours later, find my poor pilot looking as pathetic as a kicked puppy as he scurries around the apartment, gathering up all his hidden goodies (how did he manage getting them into the speakers of our stereo anyways?) and even pushing the vacuum around to gather up anything he may have dropped. It'd melt my heart and anger away, especially when he looks up at me with those sad eyes. So expressive those eyes are. There's rarely any hiding in those greens. He'd apologize, I'd wave it off and try to make it not a big deal (totally would be though! That's a 900 dollar couch and he shoves Twizzlers down between the cushions?!) and we'd have to sit down to discuss how to "properly" stock up for him. I'd eventually break down and designate an entire cupboard to all his little goodies...even bring home a few boxes of Milk Duds (his favorites) and hide them under his pillow or tuck a box safely into one of his sneakers as an apology for getting upset with him over the whole thing.
As I swing from the cable and land amidst the falling cargo crates, I see our first Christmas together. Decorating a poor little pathetic tree Murdock picked out...he obviously suckered me into buying that pathetic little thing instead of the 10 foot Blue Spruce I'd been looking at, by giving that Charlie Brown tree a personality, coming up with a back story for it: how all its life it'd wanted to be a Christmas tree, but it was never tall enough, full enough, or colorful enough to be considered. It'd spent its life watching his friends get picked and cut down around him, off to brighten someone's home and be decorated by a loving family. But not him, he'd been left there every time (I swear he was playing to that little orphan in me who'd had the same thing happen...was never adopted into a home when that's all I'd ever wanted). Now the poor tree was nearing his end and surely, couldn't we find it in the corners of our hearts to grant that poor tree's last request and make his dream of brightening someone's home at Christmas time come true?! Damnit, Murdock...of course we could, it'd be a great tree for our living room! So there in the corner it'd sit, needles falling onto the blue tree skirt as we hang garlands of cranberries and popcorn up around it, the lights shining brightly off it but the ornaments themselves being too much for the limbs to handle so those being set aside for the next year. Then we'd go to bed, Murdock bubbling with excitement over Christmas morning and wanting to stay up to catch Santa in the act. I don't know if the man honestly still believes in Father Christmas, but a part of me wouldn't be surprised in the least if he did. I'd have to wait until near dawn for the man to finally fall asleep enough for me to slip out of bed and go lay his presents out, take a couple bites of the cookies we'd left, gulp down some milk and slip back into bed to get a nice twenty minute nap in before my pilot woke up to run and see what St. Nick brought for him. Wrapping paper would be going everywhere, whoops of joy as he'd get exactly what he'd asked for and ever a few extra things. God it'd be such a gorgeous sight to see happen for real!
Running through the maze of crates and dodging bullets all I can think about is when we'd come clean to Hannibal and BA. What would their reactions be like? Would they accept us or turn their backs on us? We're still the same guys they've always known just...now they'd know the one secret we'd kept hidden for as long as we possibly could. It's a bit hard to keep a secret like that when you both disappear for a long weekend and return wearing matching silver rings. I'd love to think that they'd both be okay with it; Hannibal would smirk around his cigar, his own blue eyes sparkling and crinkling as he slaps us on the back and congratulates us both, BA telling us we're both crazy (saying I'm even crazier than Murdock if I just vowed to spend the rest of my life making that pilot happy) but that he was glad we'd finally found someone to love for the rest of our lives. That might not be the case at all though. They could turn their backs on us completely; toss us out into the cold like yesterday's newspaper. Hannibal could shake his head in disgust, essentially disown us and tell us there's no room in his unit for two men like us...even with the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy lifted at last. BA could freak out, call us every name in the book before never speaking to us again. I doubt the man would hurt us physically, but emotionally we'd both be crushed. We'd known the risks going in though...and face it; we wouldn't have done any of it to make other people happy, just ourselves.
Then, as I stood there in front of Pike, a gun pointed directly at me and me without a single shot left in either of my weapons, I thought for sure it was all over. Flashes of the life I'd wanted to one day have with Murdock went shooting past my eyes. The first time we said I love you, all the nuzzling and snuggling on the couch late at night, the laughter and tears we'd share, our first night experiencing what it's like to make love to another man and realize we'd never had anything feel more right and wonderful in all our lives. I saw us going through the anxious days of nearly getting caught (both by Hannibal and BA, and by the military), staying up nights to chase away the nightmares that still plague the pilot and leave him trembling and crying in my arms. The joyous day when our names are finally cleared and we're free to live our lives however we please again. When he and I finally decide it's time to open our hearts and home to a new family member (first a dog, like he'd always wanted...then a kid or two adopted from my old orphanage like I've always wanted). Watching our family grow up together and finally to the days long after Hannibal had passed on, to when our own features are only shadows of what we'd once looked like. Our hair (because, of course, we'd both still have our hair! I won't allow it any other way!) white as can be, but eyes still sparkling with love, professing one last time that we love each other and whoever makes it to the other side first had better wait for the other or else they'd be in big trouble.
God I wanted all that so badly! It seemed like none of it was going to happen though! That is, until I heard that bike come riding up one of the crates and saw Bosco go flying through the air at Pike. Suddenly, my heart started beating again! All of my hopes and dreams were rekindled! There was still a chance for all of those things to come true yet! And by God, I was going to make sure they did!
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